To S@le or not to S@le?

Besides “Have you got your dress yet?” and “Have you picked a reception place?” the question “Will you be Kelly S?” is right up there when it comes to wedding-related interrogation.

I have put much thought into this, and try as I might, that Seinfeld episode always comes to mind. It’s haunting, really: Jerry is waiting for some woman named Susan Chang at a Chinese restaurant. The lady shows up, and he is stunned to find that the Chang-lady is, in fact, WHITE. Jerry is indignant; he feels betrayed by the woman who wanted to pass herself off as Chinese.

So I ask myself: If somebody is expecting a Kelly S, will they feel indignant and betrayed when they see me, with my black hair and Asian nose, walk into the room? Will I be accused/judged for trying to pass myself off as WHITE? I may as well change my whole name to “SHANIQUA S,” if I really want to play with people’s minds.

I have dreamed all my life for the moment when I, Kelly, would FINALLY rid myself of my lame last name. And as I approach this glorious day, I find myself surrounded by doubt and confusion. Kelly C-S? Kelly C S? Kelly S?

So now I’m taking a poll. I cannot guarantee that your vote will actually count (because in the end I’ll just do whatever I please), but I’d like to see how people feel about this very important issue.

Madwoman with Ancient Computer

Answer, quick: would you give a murderer an axe? Of course not! That would be preposterous, and frankly, a thread to society as a whole.

Then, why oh why, did my work give me an ancient computer? I am, and have been for at least the past 6 months, at my wit’s end. Long hours, endless to-do lists, and urgent, life-or-death requests from the client. It’s really getting to me.

I am going crazy, and have been known to have outbursts in my office, where I talk to myself, bang my mouse on my desk, stomp, and yell at my computer. Honestly, it’s a true display of insanity.

To exacerbate my mental instability, Helpdesk has had me waiting for more computer memory since last month. After repeatedly inquiring about the status on this, I was told that they COULD give me the memory, but Helpdesk kindly reminded me that it was my computer that was "too old.” THANK YOU VERY MUCH for NOTHING. I knew that. The fact that it has been taking me 2 min to open an Excel file was kind of hint. The fact that my cursor freezes on my screen every time I change programs was also sort of a hint as well. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Give me my goddam memory and let me be happy…at least for an hour.

ANALyzing The Love Life (or Lack Thereof) of a Geek

One thing I admire about myself is that I always come across as a nice person. So nice, indeed, that even people that I do not like will, at some point, open up to me. If you are a person who's mean and sexually frustrated (as is the case with the subject of this story) , these heart to heart sessions will come at a price.

So this is what happened to backstabbing geek (aka BG), the villain of many a stories on this blog.

Last Fri we went out to lunch and in a shocking turn of events, I found myself listening, INTERESTED even (to my own shock), in his recounts of past dates and relationships. As I listened to him, of course, I was able to read between the lines and figure out that what he was really talking about were his online one-time dates (past dates) and 4 weeks of seeing a girl once a week (past relationships).

Here are some excerpts from his narrative and my ANALysis of them:

1) "I used to have Jerry Seinfeld syndrome; there was always something wrong with a girl, her hair was too long, she was too short, she had man hands..."
ANALysis: OBVIOUSLY BG does not own a mirror. If he did, he would know what he looks like and come to terms with the fact that he simply cannot afford to be picky given his appearance and personality.

2) "True story: I went out on date with this girl, and after the date, we walked out. Her car was parked pretty close, so I just hugged her [YUCK!] and we parted ways. Right after that, she emailed me and said: "I cannot BELIEVE you didn't walk me to my car!' That was the end of it."
ANALysis: Ok, first off, who the hell starts to tell a true story by prefacing it with "true story"? Somebody who KNOWS that the audience will not BELIEVE that what he is about to tell is, in fact, a true story. This only raises my suspicions that he might be having these dates in his head.

Secondly, what kind of woman goes online RIGHT AFTER a date to send an email? a) a GEEK b) somebody who is pathetic/desperate enough to date online AND pick somebody like BG c) all of the above. The answer is "c."

3) (this is the second part of excerpt #2) "Ok, ok, so I went on another date with another girl [cough, cough, I find it hard to believe that his dating life is that active, unless there is a 10 year hiatus between the first date and this one], and this time, we go to Alki. So I'm walking to her car and she keeps telling me I don't have to, but I insist. Right after the date, she emails me and writes 'I cannot BELIEVE you walked me to my car. You are SUCH a control freak."
ANALysis: Alright, so once again we have a "2c" (see above). Furthermore, just because a computer will respond the same way given a specific input, does not mean that a PERSON will react the same way given a certain action. What BS doesn't understand is that COMPUTERS ≠ PEOPLE (I even wrote it as a math formula, so he can better grasp this concept).

4) "I was once going to ask this girl to marry me, but then she moved to Japan."
ANALysis: This actually made me feel a little sad for him, but only for a split second. What I find interesting is that clearly they had different perceptions of the relationship. BG was ready to settle down, and the girl was...well, trying to get out of the relationship. How much farther could she have travelled than...JAPAN??!!

5) In response to my co-worker's question on whether he did a lot of online dating, BG said: "Sometimes."
ANALysis: "SOMETIMES"??? "SOMETIMES"??? I think not. I'd say "ALL THE TIME" is more like it.

So there you have it. Some insights into a poor Geek's love life (or lack thereof).

Pepto Bismol Anyone?

This weekend we all headed up to Baker one last time this season. It was the last weekend the resort would be open, so of course that was cause for celebration. There would be some spring skiing/snowboarding, followed by Ron's party (who I must say, I've only met once) and a lot of hanging out.

So much excitement!

Somewhere along the way, though, the excitement died. I can pretty much pinpoint the exact moment when the excitement ended. It was Sat morning, when I woke up feeling uhm, not so good. What started out as a stomach ache turned into fatigue, which turned into two hours of sleeping by myself in the car (while Erica and Emily went snowshoeing), which turned into several hours of puking. Erica took good care of me and after the party started, I was still laying in bed. The last puking incident finally brought Diesel into the picture, and he decided it was best we drove home.

After 15 hrs of sleep, some more hurling and two meals of nothing but Sprite and saltines, I finally felt a lot better.

Today I went to work and somewhere in the conversation, somebody mentioned they were sick all weekend. People started rising up from their cubicles, pointing at each other and saying: "You too???" All in all, 5 of us were sick over the weekend, victims to the same symptoms. John and I slept it off and backstabbing geek (the wimp! If you ask me, he could stand to puke and have diarrhea for a while and lose several pounds) went to the ER. Courtney said she knew she was coming down with something, and proudly waved the bottle of Pepto Bismol that she had been taking. Just as fast we all got into what could have been that got us all sick. While part of the room thought it was the Thai food we all had on Fri, the other half blamed the biscotti they all had. We didn't come to any conclusion. The important part was, after all, that we were all better.