BG Update

Despite being the most disliked and probably the most despised character of all of my anecdotes, it seems that BG, my arch-nemesis, is the most popular person in this blog and the subject of many inquiries.

To clarify some of the questions that have come up, YES, BG is in fact, a real person. I do not make these things up. All of the stories recounted here, despite having a bit of flair and embellishment added (for entertainment purposes only), are based on true facts.

BG latest:

Today, one of our co-workers came over and started cracking up. A second co-worker and I stared at her in confusion. She pointed towards BG's desk and there it was: BG had put his head down and was TAKING A NAP. Let me reiterate it, because no, you did not read it wrong: There, in the middle of all the cubicles, there he was, shamelessly SLEEPING instead of working. And unlike George Costanza, who at least went to the trouble of hiding under his desk, BG just sat there, bald head on his immaculate desk (he is freakishly clean), catching some z's.

And then the funniest thing happened. After 5-10 min, he woke up, got his jacket and said: "I am going home." It was 3:40pm. I guess sleeping at work makes you tired.

The Nasty Sound of a Sigh--When Uttered by BG

I was starting to think that BG (aka Backstabbing Geek, if you have not been following the saga between me and my arch-enemy) was becoming a gentler, kinder soul despite being mostly frustration and meanness. That of course, was an incorrect assumption.

Today he was supposed to send me a revised report, which he told me was going to be ready today, which is what I communicated to the client. But of course he doesn't. As with other things, anything that he has to send me somehow gets ignored or forgotten.

So in an act of good faith, I decided to send him a very polite email inquiring about the status of this report--which I knew he wasn't going to deliver, because as always, everything I ask him to do is "hard and takes a long time." 5 seconds later, which is about the time it takes for him to get my email, I hear this deliberately loud SIGH. ***WHAT THE HELL?***Dude, I'm sitting in the cubicle right across from you, and I can obviously HEAR when you utter a frustrated sigh and SEE you when you make an ugly face! Am I asking you to do anything above and beyond your job. NO!

BG has done this before. I will start counting how many times he does that, and for each time I hear the nasty sound of his sigh, I will dislike him a little more...

ANALyzing The Love Life (or Lack Thereof) of a Geek

One thing I admire about myself is that I always come across as a nice person. So nice, indeed, that even people that I do not like will, at some point, open up to me. If you are a person who's mean and sexually frustrated (as is the case with the subject of this story) , these heart to heart sessions will come at a price.

So this is what happened to backstabbing geek (aka BG), the villain of many a stories on this blog.

Last Fri we went out to lunch and in a shocking turn of events, I found myself listening, INTERESTED even (to my own shock), in his recounts of past dates and relationships. As I listened to him, of course, I was able to read between the lines and figure out that what he was really talking about were his online one-time dates (past dates) and 4 weeks of seeing a girl once a week (past relationships).

Here are some excerpts from his narrative and my ANALysis of them:

1) "I used to have Jerry Seinfeld syndrome; there was always something wrong with a girl, her hair was too long, she was too short, she had man hands..."
ANALysis: OBVIOUSLY BG does not own a mirror. If he did, he would know what he looks like and come to terms with the fact that he simply cannot afford to be picky given his appearance and personality.

2) "True story: I went out on date with this girl, and after the date, we walked out. Her car was parked pretty close, so I just hugged her [YUCK!] and we parted ways. Right after that, she emailed me and said: "I cannot BELIEVE you didn't walk me to my car!' That was the end of it."
ANALysis: Ok, first off, who the hell starts to tell a true story by prefacing it with "true story"? Somebody who KNOWS that the audience will not BELIEVE that what he is about to tell is, in fact, a true story. This only raises my suspicions that he might be having these dates in his head.

Secondly, what kind of woman goes online RIGHT AFTER a date to send an email? a) a GEEK b) somebody who is pathetic/desperate enough to date online AND pick somebody like BG c) all of the above. The answer is "c."

3) (this is the second part of excerpt #2) "Ok, ok, so I went on another date with another girl [cough, cough, I find it hard to believe that his dating life is that active, unless there is a 10 year hiatus between the first date and this one], and this time, we go to Alki. So I'm walking to her car and she keeps telling me I don't have to, but I insist. Right after the date, she emails me and writes 'I cannot BELIEVE you walked me to my car. You are SUCH a control freak."
ANALysis: Alright, so once again we have a "2c" (see above). Furthermore, just because a computer will respond the same way given a specific input, does not mean that a PERSON will react the same way given a certain action. What BS doesn't understand is that COMPUTERS ≠ PEOPLE (I even wrote it as a math formula, so he can better grasp this concept).

4) "I was once going to ask this girl to marry me, but then she moved to Japan."
ANALysis: This actually made me feel a little sad for him, but only for a split second. What I find interesting is that clearly they had different perceptions of the relationship. BG was ready to settle down, and the girl was...well, trying to get out of the relationship. How much farther could she have travelled than...JAPAN??!!

5) In response to my co-worker's question on whether he did a lot of online dating, BG said: "Sometimes."
ANALysis: "SOMETIMES"??? "SOMETIMES"??? I think not. I'd say "ALL THE TIME" is more like it.

So there you have it. Some insights into a poor Geek's love life (or lack thereof).

Damn Those Geeks

...and damn one in particular: the backstabbing geek that works with me, which shall be called BG (for backstabbing geek) from now on.

If you're familiar with my postings, he is the damn geek who's responsible for the greatest visual offense in my workplace, namely, his little Cosby sweater/maroon turtleneck combo. Not to mention his high water pants--he doesn't actually mean for them to be capri pants; it's just that he should be getting "tall" pants, but it seems like he doesn't think spending the extra money is worth it.

Sometimes you can't help but feel sorry for somebody so fashion and socially inept like this, but when a damn geek has an evil personality to match, well, then they are getting what they deserve.

So BG has tried to backstab me numerous times at work. I could go on and on about the shady tricks he tried to pull: blaming me for the way a report turned out (in that case, I told the whole team what had really happened, and he was silent--I think he was taken aback by the fact that I actually spoke up) or for the fact that we went way overbudget for one of our campaigns (when EVERYBODY knew that our supervisor specifically assigned HIM to monitor spend in this campaign), etc, etc.

I have even had people come up to me and ask what the hell his problem is and even go so far as to ask me why he's such an asshole. My manager has also brought up his attitude during one of our meetings, profusely apologizing for the fact that I had to "go through that." So in the land of the paranoid, well, in that land, there is no Kelly, because his condescending demeanor to me as well as the lack of respect that he shows are indeed, very real.

I have (and so has my supervisor) noticed that to get one piece of information I have to ask him for it two or three times.

This month, accounting is a mess, and although he is the one responsible for accounting, I've had to spend several hours cleaning up the accounting mess. Granted it was not his fault, I am not getting any help from him whatsoever. The worst part is, he always sends out e-mails to me saying that he'll help me (cc'ing my supervisor, so she THINKS he's helping me), but never does. Every time I ask for reports, etc, he will either 1) sigh in annoyance 2) second guess the fact that I actually NEED the requested information 3) find a way to turn things around and say that I in fact don't understand what's going on.

I have tried several strategies to deal with him in a civilized way, including asking my supervisor straight up if the way I'm doing things are correct (so BG can hear her say that) or ignoring his attitude altogether.

Well, the time has come. The damn geek is going down. I'm tired of his attitude and his lack of social skills. If you can't find a gf (he told me he THOUGHT he had a gf--and was even happy for a while, but all that bliss has come crashing down this week, so I need to inquire about his so-called relationship), don't have any friends but your computer and geek books, don't go taking it out on nice people such as myself.

With my supervisor gone during Feb and putting ME in charge of things, I just can't afford to deal with his attitude problem. I'll put BG in his place and retalliate if necessary. To get things done, of course.

More to come...

The case of the maroon turtleneck

When I worked at a well-known software company, my friend Lauren and I would amuse ourselves by making fun of all the geeks and the odd things they do. We would also call out all the "visual offenses" (as Lauren called them) we saw. We would dream of metal detector-type machines that would be installed in front of all building doors, sounding off alarms for all geeks that wore socks with Tevas or Taz-mania slippers. For the worst fashion offenders, however, such as those wearing red (Dolce) leather pants, skinny 9-inch ponytails of greasy hair, 1980's high-top black Reeboks or had their last names tatooed on their arms, a mini-cage would drop down from the ceiling, thus imprisoning those who are a menace to the fashion world and the social world in general.

When I started working at an advertising agency, I was relieved to see that I was going to be surrounded by the new JCrew/Banana Republic fall collection and an occasional Dolce and Gabanna ensemble (not the leather pants though).

So you will understand my shock when somebody, SOMEBODY showed up at work with nothing less and nothing more than a maroon turtleneck underneath an oversize Cosby sweater! I was speechless, perplexed, offended, indignant. Since then, the maroon turtleneck/Cosby sweater duo has made several other (unwelcomed) appearances, much to my dismay.